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When Michelle Roy,* of Saint John, observed her 19-year-old son hanging around with “emotional, dramatic male friends,” she took him aside one evening and asked him: “Would you say you might be gay?” When he said yes, Roy felt a pang of sadness.
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Older teens, on the other hand, may respond well to a parent’s gentle probing. The subtle approach makes particular sense with younger teens, who may still be questioning their sexual identity. “Take advantage of news items or media depictions of homosexuality to convey whatever reassurance you can, such as letting your child know that you think parents should support their kids no matter what differences they have.” “We don’t recommend asking teens outright, but we do recommend having positive discussions about homosexuality in general,” says Marlene Morais, president of PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) Toronto and the mother of a gay son. On some level, I probably knew he was dropping a hint, but I guess I preferred not to dig deeper.” Which raises the question: What, if anything, should you do if you have a hunch your teen might be gay? I was grieving and mourning the Parker I knew.”Īlthough Meinert never asked Parker if he was gay, she admits she did have “a feeling about him.” On one occasion, she says, “he mentioned riding his bike past a well-known ‘cruising area’ in town. Three years later, Meinert was stunned when Parker’s older brother burst into the house, after spotting his younger sibling around town with a well-known gay man, and declared: “You’re a faggot, aren’t you?” “Parker said yes, and my whole world came crashing down,” Meinert recalls. When Parker grew moody in grade 11 and lost interest in school, his mother chalked it up to her recent separation and never thought to question his sexual orientation. “He was a happy-go-lucky, outgoing child who had crushes on girls and played basketball,” says his mother, Judith. Although some stereotypes contain a grain of truth, Bonnie Haave, an Edmonton family psychologist, cautions against “making assumptions based on stereotypes, especially about our own children. Of course, not all children who display such behaviours turn out to be gay, and while some research indicates that they are somewhat more likely to, counter-examples abound.īy the same token, when children behave like “typical”members of their own gender, it doesn’t preclude future homosexuality. When a child approaches puberty and seems somehow different – perhaps a boy who loves doing his female buddies’ hair, or a girl who prefers boys’ clothing – the question of sexual orientation draws uncomfortably close for many parents. With estimates of homosexual orientation ranging between four and 17 percent of the population, parents may want to consider the possibility that their child might be gay. However, the head-in-the-sand approach to parenting can backfire big time. “I hoped that if I ignored the signs, it would just go away,” said another. “I had absolutely no problem with other kids being gay, just not my own child,” one mother of a gay teen told me. In the following weeks I’d learn, from parents of gay children across the country, that her reaction wasn’t unusual. It surprised me that this liberal-with-a-capital-L woman would display such discomfort at the topic. “I’m not sure I’d want to read the article,” she said quickly. I told her I was working on an article about parents of teens who might be gay. But if the answer is yes, there’s a lot of support to help you and your child along the journey.Ī few weeks before writing this, I bumped into an acquaintance, a middle-aged woman with two teenage sons.